Ist-ycophants

Loving it! DCist Coeditor-in-chief, Martin Andre Austermuhle, an old-soul Washingtonian “by way of Switzerland, Colombia, Mexico, Venezuela, and the thriving mecca of State College, Pa,” in a roundabout attempt to insult me, inadvertently made my day by missing his mark, insulting the entire city of Baltimore instead.

Linking and posting on a page where a graphic Ist-ycophant created Ist logos for various make believe cities, Mr. Austermuhle closed his post by mentioning “DCist may be de-centralizing a little soon and going ultra-local -- MoCoist, Fairfaxist, Nearlingtonist, Farlingtonist, and Baltimorist are but a few ideas we've tossed around. And PrinceWilliamCountyist. Obvs.”

I’m at a bit of a loss, and to quote Sommer Mathis, “super-curious,” as to how exactly it is supposed to be insulting to me when DCist constantly reaffirms my original point by claiming Baltimore, a city larger than its own and outside its metropolitan area, as being part of its “ultra-local” sphere of influence. Perhaps I cannot see the forest from the trees, and would need the outside perspective of not actually being from the region to understand Baltimore’s proper place.

“Obvs,” those in DC and its metropolitan area love the Ironic Sans; but in this metropolitan area, we live sans irony. Not that there is anyway they could know that.

The Hate, The Love, The Comments

Here are a few choice comments (with my replies) from the DCist post about my hating:

Adams Morgan | July 18, 2006 04:22 PM:

As a Baltimoron by birth and Washingtonian till death, I take exception to this! Charm City and Chocolate City are two vastly different places and can each be loved and appreciated for their own unique reasons....Baltimore shouldn't hate DC and DC shouldn't hate Baltimore, let's find a common enemy (Philadelphia? Columbia, Md?) and join our forces for good, not evil.

Why would I have a hate on for Philadelphia? Philadelphia is a great town. The best Baltimore Club music is coming out of Philly, and they’re respectful enough to throw the credit where it is due. Columbia? I’m not going to waste my ire on a bedroom community for being a bedroom community. Oh my God! Stable schools for growing families! The horror!. Besides, DC, or at least the part that “matters,” is just a big Columbia anyway. The rich are richer, the poor are poorer; but otherwise, they’re pretty much the same thing. Columbia is where snotty young transient Washingtonians eventually go to be grown-ups.

chrisafer | July 18, 2006 04:38 PM:

The photo used for that blog's header is brilliant!

vor | July 18, 2006 04:47 PM:

The photo used for that blog's header is brilliant!

Yeah. I thought that was pretty much the only funny part of that movie.

Thanks, Chrisafer. Vor, sadly, I agree. Too bad Sommer Mathis didn’t even get it. Pity, seeing how she is a regional expert and all.

bwm | July 18, 2006 04:48 PM:

Does DCistGoHome ask itself lots of questions? Yes. Does DCistGoHome answer said questions? You bet. Does DCistGoHome take shit from DCist? FUCK NO, BITCHES!

Crab cakes and football, my man...

bwm, are you mocking me or praising me? If you are mocking me, do I think you are funny? Yes! Kudos to you, my man...

.j. | July 18, 2006 04:55 PM:

why can't we all just get along? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baltimore-Washington_Metropolitan_Area

just kidding. i hate baltimore too.

Heh. That’s okay, .j. Hate, obviously, is A-OK by me. As long as DCers don’t presume that we are theirs to look down upon, I’m aces with you.

md | July 18, 2006 04:58 PM

Generally I got your back DCist, and maybe Oaklandist comming first makes sense (at least it is debatable), but Newarkist and East St. Louisist before Baltimoreist, come on. That is just plain wrong. It makes you look like a stuck up elitist and only perpetuates the negative stereotype of DC people that probably got DCist go home all fired up in the first place. Maybe you had too much coffee today, but please reel in the rheetoric.

Stereotypes had nothing to do with it. I’m basing my assessment entirely on the content found on the pages of DCist.

Obviously, I was goading DCist to respond and give the editors an opportunity to show their true colors. Sommer Mathis, in her elitist transient glory, didn’t disappoint.

And, no, I don’t think all Washingtonians are elitist transient scum. Some of my best friends are Washingtonains (heh). Many Washingtonians actually understand the region and the cultural boundaries. Some of these may hate Baltimore, some may like Baltimore, and some may be completely indifferent to Baltimore. I can respect all of these positions. But it takes a special kind of rat fuck to come here from the other side of the country and after only a couple of years presume DC is the preeminent dominate cultural force of the lower mid-Atlantic region. DC, or at least the white part, is an island of transience with no particular connection to anybody or anywhere. It is a big Columbia. DC has no more claim Baltimore cultural institutions than, say, Beirut has to Haifa.

DCist Sommer | July 18, 2006 04:59 PM

In case it's not clear, I really don't hate Baltimore at all. Seems like who live there like it and all. I just think this DCist Go Home thing is too funny not to mock.

I think you made it quite clear EXACTLY how you feel about Baltimore. Hate? Perhaps not. Hate would imply some degree of respect. Are you contemptuous of Baltimore? Yes. Do you presume some claim to Baltimore institutions in your coverage on DCist? Absolutely. You can’t be dismissive of Baltimore “and all” and try to be inclusive at the same time. Who the fuck cares what you think? You think Baltimore is all about some aquarium, a stadium and condescendingly saying the word “Hon.” You know nothing of the region outside your Northwest bubble. You’re just some cow from LA.

GhettoBurbs | July 18, 2006 05:06 PM

There's no need to hate on something so small and insignificant.

As long as you’re willing to own your feelings, I can’t really hold it against you. Of course, you comment anonymously; but this is an anonymous blog, so who am I to judge?

internet special olympics | July 18, 2006 05:07 PM

Oh good lord. Baltimore and DC are completely different cities, they just happen to coexist in the same geographical area. DCistGoHome, stop whining and learn basic grammar. DCist, let sleeping cities lie or whatever. Seriously, troll blogs last approx. 5 secs in web time, so let the creators get their panties in a wad for the afternoon and then let them move on to a more deserving target.

BTW, I'd read Baltimoreist. Someone get on that idea!

My target is deserving, I can assure you. But, yes, this page should only last for about approx. 5 secs in web time.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I think the idea of a Baltimorist is lame. I think any Ist outside the original context of a New York blog is lame. Any other Ist is just a franchise. Baltimore already has a similar entity that is a hell of a lot older than Gothamist. Lord knows it has its flaws, but at least it is home grown and not just slobbing on New York’s knob.

CDTrave | July 18, 2006 05:40 PM

Isn't Baltimore the city whose primary airport has the word Washington in it? Meanwhile we have two of our own without any mention of our northern neighbor. I think that evidence alone settles this debate.

Biting wit, CDTrave. I bet you are a fascinating date.

This comment caused a few replies arguing about airport names. Losers, the bunch of them.

But this one was funny:

TC the Terrible | July 18, 2006 10:17 PM

"Isn't Baltimore the city whose primary airport has the word Washington in it? Meanwhile we have two of our own without any mention of our northern neighbor. I think that evidence alone settles this debate."

Ouch. Damn. Score. Somebody just got served, and it wasn't Voltron.

Heh.

chiclet | July 18, 2006 10:57 PM

everyone has that freak-cousin we like to have around because they make us look better. that's baltimore! woot! thanks, bmore:)

Call me a self hater, but I actually loved this one.

sessone | July 19, 2006 12:27 AM

the best thing about philly??? its not baltimore.

If you’re from Philly, I feel betrayed. Okay, I don’t really, but no more Spank Rock for you. If you’re not from Philly, than from both of us, kiss our asses.

vor | July 19, 2006 01:14 AM

...does DCist really have enough Baltimore content to justify an entire blog dedicated to responding to DCist's coverage of Baltimore?

An “entire” blog ain’t much. Recently, DCist has been giving me, on average, one to three opportunities a week to be a total bitch. This wee little blog has two intended audiences, the editors of DCist (so I can get under their skin), and the Blogtimore community (so I can give them a cheap laugh). I don’t suspect DCist will be throwing me many bones for the next couple of weeks, and the three they gave me this week really weren’t much to work with; but I’ll still be stopping by every day to see if there is any opportunity for me to have a little fun. I will be fair; but if I catch a whiff of slight, than I’ll be just as obnoxious as ever.

leaf | July 19, 2006 09:09 AM

The smack and syphilis is much more available for my dollar in Charm City.

Wisen up people: The true enemies are planned communities like Reston and Columbia

On the first point, I liked it. On the second, DC is a planned community.

Hill Rat | July 19, 2006 09:36 AM

I started a blog just so I could add a comment mocking dcistgohome.

Yes, you did. Here the your pearl of brilliance:

HillRatDC said...

I live on Capitol Hill and I can be at Camden Yards in the same amount of time it takes me to get to Potomac Mills. Sounds like a DC suburb to me

That’s it?! That’s all you have?! You registered a blogger account to say THAT?! Your mockery sucks. That was the three inch flaccid penis of put downs. I can see why you went back to your mommy to show off that you fried my ass. I’m sure she’s very proud. Maybe she’ll take you shopping for a new sucker at Potomac Mills.

Dan | July 19, 2006 11:23 AM

I love how his links still read "Google News", "Edit me" and "Edit me".

Always the sign of a well-done blog.

See my opinion of put down above.

Fine. For you, I’ll edit my blogroll.

Before:


After:


Happy now, Dan? Incidently, there is no such thing as “a well-done blog” that uses a blogspot subdomain. This not having a not well-done blogroll doesn’t bother me one whit. What’s your excuse? At least now I have a buddy on my blogroll. Wanna be my MySpace pal?

Posted by: Bos | July 19, 2006 11:51 AM

Yes, "having some money" has always been synonymous with "uncool."

I will think of the poor Baltimorians tonight as I watch the Wire on my flat-screen tonight.

Way to represent, Bos. An honest to goodness flat-screen moving picture box, huh? Wow. Can I give you head?

After this, there was just a bunch of crap with commenters bickering over whether or not they hate Columbia. Apparently, surrounding yourself with a other transients and chain stores in the suburbs is totally different than doing the exact same thing in Northwest. Oh, and they complain a lot about how much they hate chains, ON DCist. Whatever.

Sommer Days

Sommer Mathis, Coeditor-In-Chief of DCist was kind enough to address this blog yesterday on DCist.. She pointed out that I did in fact use laughably poor grammar in my header. On this, she was correct. I consider myself stung. I tip my hat to you, Miss Mathis. My header has been corrected. Thank you.

Miss Mathis, you were also kind enough to respond to my concerns. Before we get into this, I think I should pull up your profile, just so we’ll all have a better understanding of where you, as Coeditor-In-Chief of DCist, were coming from when you explained to me Baltimore’s relationship, not only to Washington, but to our nation at large.

Since fleeing Los Angeles and the shallow world of the television industry to help make high-minded social documentaries in D.C., Sommer finds herself occasionally sneaking an Us Weekly into her shopping cart at the Giant in Shaw. Feel free to shame her the next time you see her. Covert grocery store behavior aside, Sommer thinks D.C. is the perfect city for her, and doesn't miss the West Coast much at all (except for the weather). Before she started blogging and documenting, Sommer was a barista, a valet, a writer and editor, a transcriber of romance novels, a house sitter, and a prop department coordinator. She also enjoys wearing sweaters, drinking bourbon, and falling asleep with the TV on.

Oh, so you are from Los Angeles? Hmmm. Not a bad town, really. Of course, it’s no Long Beach, but you know me. And yes, I’m pointing this out for the most obvious of reasons. You know nothing of this region. Am I correct? No need to answer. I already know. I’m not really a big fan of people coming to this region and telling me what’s what after they’ve been here for, oh... say, a year or two... maybe three... four? How long has it been? We’ll get to that later.

Before you responded to my concerns in your bulleted list, you said “Yes, a blogger going by the moniker DCist Go Home has decided that we have no business mentioning Baltimore in any way, shape or form.” Actually, I said quite the opposite. I acknowledged that DC does sometimes have reason to mention events and venues that happen to occur in Baltimore. What I said was that when DCist happens to mention an event in Baltimore, it must take special care to ACTUALLY MENTION THAT SAID EVENT IS OCCURRING IN BALTIMORE, rather than implying that the event is occurring in the DC suburbs. It is important that you understand that Baltimore is not DC’s suburb. I know, I know, you disagreed with that; but we’ve already established that you know nothing of the region. You, according to your responses in on your bulleted list, consider Baltimore to be a DC suburb; but agan, we’ll get to that later.

The first bulleted response:

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). Well, we are all corporate drones; that much is true. I'd say that if anyone in Baltimore is interested in starting Baltimorist, you should contact Jake Dobkin at jake (at) gothamist.com. I imagine they'll get you guys up and running sometime after Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.

If by “we” you meant DCist contributors and editors, than I’ll just have to take your word for it. I’ve only read your profile. As I was specifically pointing out readership, I’m going to assume you were as well. Now, I’m no expert on DC, but I suspect that the majority of Washingtonians are not actually corporate drones. Maybe only the people who matter in DC are the corporate drones? Which people are those, exactly? And what is the converse of those people? Are they the sort of people who populate Newark, Oakland, East Saint Louis and Baltimore? Which people are those, exactly? Honestly, I have no idea where you are going with that. I'll take the high road and assume you were talking about poor people. I was just saying people in Baltimore don’t like franchises. Baltimore already has a page similar to an Ist. It isn’t exactly the same, but it is very close. As an expert on the region and as a Coeditor-In-Chief of a major regional blog, I’m sure you’re already familiar with it. What is it called again? I can’t remember.

The second bulleted response:

There are times when the editors of Washington’s Ist opts to treat Baltimore as DC’s red headed step-suburb. Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain. Dude, you clearly have no idea how much time we spend chatting about The Wire, John Waters films and Homicide: Life on the Streets. I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?

Oh, you enjoy our crime dramas and working class transvestites? That is SOOOOO inclusive of you. I feel so honored. There is a big difference between us enjoying these crime dramas and Waters films. Our enjoyment comes from a sense of empathy, you watch them as an outside observer, just like when you were in Los Angeles.

But wait a second, I said “Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain...” to which you responded “I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?”

Let’s repeat that paragraph, just for fun!

But wait a second, I said “Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain...” to which you responded “I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?”

Don’t say “hon,” darlin. There is no way for an outsider to say “hon” without it dripping with “contemptible disdain.” And who says Hon, again? I know I can’t get away with saying it. I’m not from the right neighborhoods. Which neighborhoods are those, exactly? I mean, Baltimore is your suburb. You should know, right?

The third bulleted response:

When it suits their purpose, they’ll occasionally claim Baltimore culture and institutions as being part of their own. We're not sure we know what you mean. The D.C. Metro area has fantastic local food traditions, great stadiums, and a wonderful aquarium. You know, because Baltimore has them, and Baltimore is, of course, just part of the D.C. Metro area.

I’m going to assume you’re being sarcastic, as DC has no food traditions, as of yet no “great stadiums” (not that I care about that) or some tourist venue in the harbor. Actually, I doubt the first is true. I’m sure DC does actually have it’s own food traditions, as well as its own vernacular distinctions. Not that anybody has ever heard of them, as they belong to the majority of Washingtonians that nobody knows anything about, because they don’t seem to matter. Maybe I can read up on that stuff in DCist, but probably not. But I guess that isn’t important, as you can just ship those in, just like you do with your white collar labor force. That is what makes a city great, isn’t it?

And the final bulleted response:

Hopefully, this troll blog will quickly die, and never have any need to be updated. Noooooo! We hope to keep hearing from you for years to come.

How ironic. I want this blog to die, and you want it to live. Oh, but one of us was being sarcastic and the other wasn’t. But which was which? I’m so confused. In the end, I have a strong feeling we’re both going to get what we actually want.

And Miss Mathis, I think DC is the perfect city for you too.

Well, This Should Entertain Me for a Couple of Days or So

DCist just responded to this blog. This should be fun.

First, I have to give credit where credit is due. I used a “you’re” when I should have used a “your” in the header. DCist called me out for this. There is no way to recover gracefully from such an idiotic error. I guess that’s what you get for when you build a page in under four minutes. That isn’t much of a defense, but that error itself is impossible to defend. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. I also like the hata graphic.

I’ll probably have something more clever to say about all this tomorrow, but for now I’ll just share a couple of their bulleted responses:

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). Well, we are all corporate drones; that much is true. I'd say that if anyone in Baltimore is interested in starting Baltimorist, you should contact Jake Dobkin at jake (at) gothamist.com. I imagine they'll get you guys up and running sometime after Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.

and...

When it suits their purpose, they’ll occasionally claim Baltimore culture and institutions as being part of their own. We're not sure we know what you mean. The D.C. Metro area has fantastic local food traditions, great stadiums, and a wonderful aquarium. You know, because Baltimore has them, and Baltimore is, of course, just part of the D.C. Metro area.

Sweet! Not the Baltimorist part, that would be more asinine than my “your”/“you’re” fuck up. I could make a point about DC constantly hogging on New York’s dog, but that would be too easy (...for now. In all honesty, I probably will mention that tomorrow.) I like the part where you just did all my work for me:

“...Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.”

Good stuff. I guess you don’t respect us after all.

DUH!

The comments on the DCist page are already pretty entertaining. I’m getting a little hate. Baltimore is getting a little hate. Baltimore is getting a little love. This is all pretty much exactly what I was expecting. I think at least one person has already articulated that DCist just proved my point.


More tomorrow. I have to go fix that header.

V at P ain’t in DC

DCist, “a website about the Washington, D.C. area and everything that happens there,” reports on the official date and lineup of V Fest. Mentions the venue will be at Pimlico. Fails to point out that Pimlico is actually in the heart of an entirely different metropolitan area than their own.

Is V Fest of interest for Washington area readers? Yes. Should DCist be mentioning such an event? Sure. Does DC have a right to claim northwest Baltimore as being within the DC area? No. I feel like the moon surface, with an astronaut stabbing a DC flag into my back, complete with MTV soundtrack.

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). The Northeast Corridor Megalopolis is composed of five independent cities with metropolitan areas in access of two million people; Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington. Never mind the fact that Baltimore is and always has been larger than DC. Perhaps Baltimore isn’t classy enough for Ist? Fine. Than Baltimore should be considered an Ist free zone.

Partially to DCist’s credit, another contributor, “DCist Andrew,” points out that the event is taking place in the area of “our neighbor to the north.”

Oh! And the event is supposed to be pricey. The author recommends that Washington readers forego “Starbucks for a few months” to cover the costs.

Starbucks... DCist... Heh.

From Today’s Morning Roundup:

From Today’s Morning Roundup:

Area Towns Experiment With Branding: Is a town's appeal in its brand? Apparently so, according to the Post. Several towns in the region have been experimenting with branding as a way to attract new residents and visitors, such as Fredricksburg, Va., which spent $110,000 for an ad agency to brand the town "Timeless." The result? A 22 percent increase in traffic to its website and 58 percent increase in phone inquiries. Then again, Baltimore's "Get In On It" (which cost the city $500,000) hasn't be as popular or effective.

Has it be? Is “Get In On It” an embarrassing joke for us? Yes. Are we one of DC’s area "towns"? No.

The Washington Post's article in question was about Washington area towns and their efforts at rebranding. Baltimore's "Get In On It" was cited as an example of "city" rebranding that went horribly horribly wrong. The DCist post implies that Baltimore is a Washington area town.

We Are Hosting A Suburban Washington Restaurant Week

As the author of this post meant no ill will, and as she is recommending that Washingtonians spend their half earned government green here, I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I should treat posts such as this.

The post in question, Belly Up for Restaurant Week(s), informs DCist’s readers that Washington has three restaurant weeks to enjoy this summer. Of course, there is the main event in DC from August 14-20; but also the suburban versions. First in Bethesda-Chevy Chase from July 17-23 and Baltimore from July 24-28.

Okay, she didn’t say “suburban.” Like I said, the author expressed no ill will. She did strongly recommend that the readers take the train. Part of me agrees with this, as driving all the way from one city to the other is too much to deal with for an insanely crowded restaurant and a discounted meal. One of the problems with this recommendation is that only one of the restaurants mentioned is within walking distance of Penn Station. The round trip cab fare for most of the other restaurants would be between 30 and 40 dollars, negating any benefit from the restaurant discount. It was also not mentioned that the last train back to DC leaves at 10:05, so they better make their reservations early and hope there is no wait for a table.

And there was something about checking out the “hip kids eating comfort foods” at the faux-Hon tourist trap, Café Hon, where the servers are forced to attach a “hon” to the end of their sentences before handing you a check and sending you on your way past the Hon themed overpriced Baltimore souvenirs. Do Hampsters eat at Café Hon? And if they do, does anyone actually want to watch them eat?

Again, the author meant no ill will and the post was well meaning enough; but the problem is Washington and their Ist simply is not familiar enough with the subject to adequately give their readers recommendations in this city without trapping them after the last train leaves, sticking them with a huge, cost prohibitive taxi bill and sending them to a tourist trap to watch faux-hipster faux-hampdenites eat comfort foods in their natural environment.

But yes, please come. Spend your money. Come early, and more importantly, leave early.