Big, Self Hating Clay Monster

All right, I’m not going to begrudge any band for answering questions and being polite to any media source that is providing it with free press; which is why I’ve always steered clear of the DCist “Three Stars” interviews of “local” talent from Baltimore when covering the D.C. music scene. It always seemed counter productive to write anything that could be considered critical of a Baltimore band that was simply trying to make it in this world.

Also, I’ve been friends of one of the Yeveto members for years, so I’m inclined moreso than usual to keep my tongue tied here.

But, I was reading through today's interview and I came across this segment:

What is your opinion of the D.C. area music scene?

GREG: Our first show in the area, at the Iota, recently was wonderful. It was one of the friendliest crowds we’ve ever played for. People seemed earnestly interested in the music. It was a breath of fresh air compared to Baltimore where people seem to have this chip on their shoulder, even when they come to see a band live.

Oh-my-God, Greg, you self loathing sycophantic brown noser. I feel like Baltimore has created a giant clay monster to protect and represent us to our enemies, and you just went over and started telling those enemies jew jokes. Have you no respect for the soil from which you were created? Have you no sense loyalty to your community? It would be one thing to say that to fellow Baltimoreans behind closed doors. We all do that. But in front of outsiders, to outsiders, even?! I feel like Meadow Soprano in the final scene of season 3 when she’s talking to Kelli Aprile. I would sooo be wiping "aemaeth" from your forehead if I had the power. That “chip” on our shoulder, for good or for bad, is part of what makes us who we are as a people.

Okay, Whatever. Yay you for your little DCist interview. I hope it brings you oodles of success with... them. But talking shit about your own kind isn’t going to endear you to your own base.

To protect my own anonyminity, I’m not going tell you who I am or which one of you I’m friends with, but if any of you experience an unusually cold and chippy shoulder anytime in the near future, I hope it gives you pause to think.

For shame.

Mr or Ms Respect to Charm City...

I actually don’t have a problem with any part of this posting. Contrary to belief, I reserve twisting my panties in a wad with DCist’s Baltimore postings to a very narrow set of circumstances. This post is obviously relivent to the residents of Washington, as it is about an advertising campaign targeting Washingtonians. There is no backhanded snotty faux-inclusion in the post. Nothing in the post pisses on either Baltimore or Baltimoreans. There is no false information in the post itself. At no point does the post try to claim Baltimore culture as being Washingtonian culture.

Of course, many of the commenters are douchbags, but what can you do?

I cannot say the same thing about the Examiner article. The article stated that:

“According to the latest census figures, between 1990 and 2000, the number of Baltimore residents who made daily trips into the D.C. region rose 26 percent, from 106,000 to more than 133,000.”

Bullshit! I was so taken aback by this false claim, I found the study they were referencing:

Trends Alert
Number 5
September 2, 2003
GMU Center for Regional Analysis

Commuting Trends and Patterns in the Washington Region

...There was also significant commuting between the Washington and Baltimore metropolitan areas in 2000, with the commuting from Baltimore to Washington more double the Washington to Baltimore commuting. In 2000, there were 53,232 Washington metropolitan area residents commuting to jobs in the Baltimore metropolitan area, while there were 133,478 commuting from Baltimore metro to Washington metro....

[source]

That’s the Baltimore metropolitan area, asswipes, not Baltimore city. Baltimore has a metropolitan area of approximately 2.6 million. How exactly is 133,478 26% of 2.6 million?* (whoops, I actually buggered this up. See below for details) That is not reflective of two integrated economies. Your reporting sucks, Washington Examiner.

And to David Garrison, that Brookings Institute guy, sociologists and urban planners and market monopolists have been trying to lump Baltimore and Washington together for fifty years, to little or no avail. We were told this would be one big happy metropolitan area by 1980 at the latest. Yet, as the GMU Center study shows, even though we are only 35 miles apart, there is only about a 7 percent integration in our respective economies.

Update: Upon further examination, I see that the overwhelming majority of the 133,478 commuters within the Baltimore PMSA listed were commuting from southern Howard and Anne Arundel Counties. Also, the overwhelming majority of the increase of approximately 26,000 between 1990 and 2000 is attributable to growth in those two counties. The only thing surprising to me about these figures is that the number of commuters from Howard and Anne Arundel Counties to the Washington Area (including commuters into neighboring P.G. and Montgomery Counties) is so low. I’ve always assumed that those counties were far more D.C. than the numbers indicate.

Furthermore, average daily ridership for the entire MARC system was less than 30,000. That is the ENTIRE system, including the Brunswick line, which at no point even enters the Baltimore area. Although I cannot find the figures, I suspect the MARC ridership boarding at the Penn, Camden and West Baltimore stations numbers less than 10,000. Now, if I generously estimate that an equal number of commuters drive to Washington D.C. as ride the MARC train, that means that Baltimore City has less than 20,000 D.C. commuters, from a city of more than 640,000 people. That is less than 3.2%. My my, 3.2% is certainly a smaller percentage than 26%, wouldn’t you agree Washington Examiner? Although admittedly, I’m sure that figure would go up if you consider Baltimore commuters that work in Montgomery and P.G.. Counties, but certainly not to anything remotely resembling 26%. Also, I think a time may come when Howard and Anne Arundel Counties official status as part of Metropolitan Baltimore in their entirety may have to be reconsidered. But I think the true figures support what I’ve been saying all along, Baltimore is in no danger of becoming a D.C. suburb any time in the near future. It looks like we’re two separate metropolitan areas after all. Things only get muddled in the suburbs that we share, which isn’t surprising, as our two metropolitan areas do actually touch.

* As Valentine pointed out in the comments, my interpretation of the Washington Examiner article was equally as buggered up as the article itself (see comments for details). I incorrectly misread that article as stating ..."to 26%." That doesn’t make the article any less wrong, but it certainly does deflate my ranting against it. Consider myself humbled.

?????

Soft shell crab season is half way over and we can’t believe that we haven’t paid proper tribute to this much-anticipated D.C. delicacy

Isn’t D.C. landlocked? Do they even sell soft crabs in D.C.? If they do, to whom to they sell them? The Californians? The Midwesterners? Isn’t that sort of like homemade Vermont Clam Chowder or a Catskill Lobster roll?

I’ve never eaten a D.C. soft crab, so perhaps I’m speaking out of ignorance; but if they taste anything like their crab cakes, I’ll take a pass. I can get artificial crabmeat in any asian market across the country. I don’t much see the point of eating fake crabmeat a half hour away from the Chesapeake Bay. Not that their primary market could taste the difference or anything, which it seems the D.C. chefs have always banked on.

But whatever, I always thought the only delicacy indigenous to D.C. was the anus sweat of their social and professional superiors. I guess they’re the Kings of Crab County too.

Update: I was so taken aback by the notion of DCist claiming soft crabs as a “D.C. delicacy” that I didn’t even bother reading the recipe.

Funny part A: Remove the heads of the crabs, if desired, by simply cutting them off... If desired? If desired?! Ha! Never mind that they actually meant "face." Good luck finding that crab head, if you desire.

Funny part B: Here is a quote from the recipe explaining what to do with the lungs... “............” Yummmmmmy. They sure do know what to do with their delicacy.

Funny part C (the rest): Peppers, capers, peaches, spinach, aioli, etc.

This recipe is the regional equivalent of pounding Jesus Christ up the pooper.

How They Do

I’ve identified a trend to DCist’s mentions of Baltimore in their “Briefly Noted” sections. They are always of the point-and-laugh-and-saying “look how fucked up they are” variety; as though by juxtaposition against their own city our absurdities make them feel better about themselves.

This morning, Tom Lee mentioned that a “Baltimore couple steals purse from woman having seizure...”

Mind you, Tom Lee is the Virginian who didn’t even know that Hampden is in the middle of Baltimore.

Granted, the actions of that couple (one is from Baltimore, the other is from White Marsh. But I guess if you’re mentioning something that is happening in a different metropolitan area than your own, it is okay to cluster the urban and suburban residents together, as i would do if I was talking about a couple that was half from Washington and half from Fairfax. Same diff and all as long as this has nothing to do your own city or metropolitan area. Maybe Tom Lee doesn’t know where White Marsh is either.) are pretty screwed up and grimly amusing. It is the sort of thing that happens far too frequently in Baltimore. Admittedly, we have some pretty screwed up people whose utter shamelessness will make anybody shake their head and chuckle. We all have our Baltimore Stories that we save up and pull out to shock, dismay and impress visiting out of towners. Nobody does Fucked Up like we do.

The concept of the Briefly Noted section in DCist is pretty self explanatory. The concept is, obviously, to briefly note goings on in the Metropolitan Washington area. Although when mentioning happenings in the D.C. area music scene, Baltimore doesn’t make the cut unless the artists have developed a following in their metropolitan area; although when mentioning all of the Shakespearian festivals that are taking place in their metropolitan area, the Shakespearian festivals in Baltimore don’t make the cut; although when writing about Washington sports, Baltimore teams don’t make the cut. Theatre? Restaurants? Art? Etc.?

But examples of our fucked upedness often make the cut, usually in their Briefly Noted section.

I wonder why that is?

Again, as always, I do not question DCist’s decision to not cover Baltimore as local. It is simply not possible to cover our art, or music, our politics, our neighborhoods and our everything without an editorial presence. If a time comes when DCist decides to change its name to DC-Baltimorist or Baltimore-DCist, if a time comes when DCist develops an editorial presence in Baltimore who can cover our happenings, if a times comes when a significant number of contributors to their site actually live in Baltimore and are actually familiar with the city (rather than nobody), if a time comes when Baltimore is covered with equal standing to Washington, than DCist will have the right to mock typical Baltimorisms as local color until they are blue in the face.

Otherwise, they can stay the eff out and concentrate on their own losers to mock as local color. If they want to knock on Baltimore as a foreign presence, that’s one thing, and I wouldn’t really question that decision either; but the half-assed Baltimore-is-local-when-Washington-decides-Baltimore-is-local, when Washington wants to add flavor to a flavorless pot, when Washington decides it needs a whipping post and feels it can only get away with it if it pretends to be covering local happenings, is unacceptable, especially when posted by a Virginian who has admitted that his knowledge of Baltimore is rooted in “ignorance.”