How They Do

I’ve identified a trend to DCist’s mentions of Baltimore in their “Briefly Noted” sections. They are always of the point-and-laugh-and-saying “look how fucked up they are” variety; as though by juxtaposition against their own city our absurdities make them feel better about themselves.

This morning, Tom Lee mentioned that a “Baltimore couple steals purse from woman having seizure...”

Mind you, Tom Lee is the Virginian who didn’t even know that Hampden is in the middle of Baltimore.

Granted, the actions of that couple (one is from Baltimore, the other is from White Marsh. But I guess if you’re mentioning something that is happening in a different metropolitan area than your own, it is okay to cluster the urban and suburban residents together, as i would do if I was talking about a couple that was half from Washington and half from Fairfax. Same diff and all as long as this has nothing to do your own city or metropolitan area. Maybe Tom Lee doesn’t know where White Marsh is either.) are pretty screwed up and grimly amusing. It is the sort of thing that happens far too frequently in Baltimore. Admittedly, we have some pretty screwed up people whose utter shamelessness will make anybody shake their head and chuckle. We all have our Baltimore Stories that we save up and pull out to shock, dismay and impress visiting out of towners. Nobody does Fucked Up like we do.

The concept of the Briefly Noted section in DCist is pretty self explanatory. The concept is, obviously, to briefly note goings on in the Metropolitan Washington area. Although when mentioning happenings in the D.C. area music scene, Baltimore doesn’t make the cut unless the artists have developed a following in their metropolitan area; although when mentioning all of the Shakespearian festivals that are taking place in their metropolitan area, the Shakespearian festivals in Baltimore don’t make the cut; although when writing about Washington sports, Baltimore teams don’t make the cut. Theatre? Restaurants? Art? Etc.?

But examples of our fucked upedness often make the cut, usually in their Briefly Noted section.

I wonder why that is?

Again, as always, I do not question DCist’s decision to not cover Baltimore as local. It is simply not possible to cover our art, or music, our politics, our neighborhoods and our everything without an editorial presence. If a time comes when DCist decides to change its name to DC-Baltimorist or Baltimore-DCist, if a time comes when DCist develops an editorial presence in Baltimore who can cover our happenings, if a times comes when a significant number of contributors to their site actually live in Baltimore and are actually familiar with the city (rather than nobody), if a time comes when Baltimore is covered with equal standing to Washington, than DCist will have the right to mock typical Baltimorisms as local color until they are blue in the face.

Otherwise, they can stay the eff out and concentrate on their own losers to mock as local color. If they want to knock on Baltimore as a foreign presence, that’s one thing, and I wouldn’t really question that decision either; but the half-assed Baltimore-is-local-when-Washington-decides-Baltimore-is-local, when Washington wants to add flavor to a flavorless pot, when Washington decides it needs a whipping post and feels it can only get away with it if it pretends to be covering local happenings, is unacceptable, especially when posted by a Virginian who has admitted that his knowledge of Baltimore is rooted in “ignorance.”