Aw, now DCist Coeditor-In-Chief Martin Austermuhle is trying to be cute.

In an post addressing the first four of 48 planned surveillance cameras in Washington, Austermuhle points to an article in the Washington Times indicating that such cameras are ineffective in fighting crime, siting the failure of such cameras in Baltimore. Arguably true, I suppose. But, in typically smug fashion, mostly in reference to this little insignificant troll blog, he thought it would be cute to refer to Baltimore as “our northern-most suburb,...”

Of course, lick my ass, Martin. Stretch that lacerating, serpent’s tongue of yours out and give my rectum a good once-over, please. If all it takes is one big-ol’ jerk-face such as myself to put together a page like this to expose your complete and utter contempt for a metropolitan area, one which you seem so willing to claim as a suburb, than perhaps I was not so wrong-headed after all.

Fine, for you Martin, I’ll provide for you the varied designations for a Metropolitan Area, a Metropolitan Statistical Area, Consolidated and Primary Metropolitan Statistical Area and a Central City as defined by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Metropolitan Area

The general concept of a metropolitan area (MA) is one of a large population nucleus, together with adjacent communities that have a high degree of economic and social integration with that nucleus. Some MAs are defined around two or more nuclei.

As Baltimore and Washington have only minimal economic ties and absolutely no social integration, by definition, these two cities are not in the same metropolitan area. Incidentally, the federal Office of Management and Budget (OMB) does in fact officially categorize the Baltimore-Towson Metropolitan Area and the Washington-Arlington-Alexandria, DC-VA-MD-WV Metropolitan Area as two separate entities. Regardless of the number of nuclei, Baltimore’s economy is only minimaly related and its culture is unrelated to Washington’s, and this is officially recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Metropolitan Statistical Area

Metropolitan statistical areas (MSAs) are metropolitan areas (MAs) that are not closely associated with other MAs. These areas typically are surrounded by nonmetropolitan counties (county subdivisions in New England).

Again, officially, according to Office of Management and Budget (OMB), these are two separate entities, even in light of the broader definition.

Consolidated and Primary Metropolitan Statistical Area

If an area that qualifies as a metropolitan area (MA) has more than one million people, two or more primary metropolitan statistical areas (PMSAs) may be defined within it. Each PMSA consists of a large urbanized county or cluster of counties (cities and towns in New England) that demonstrate very strong internal economic and social links, in addition to close ties to other portions of the larger area. When PMSAs are established, the larger MA of which they are component parts is designated a consolidated metropolitan statistical area (CMSA). CMSAs and PMSAs are established only where local governments favor such designations for a large MA.

“CMSAs and PMSAs are established only where local governments favor such designations for a large MA.” Officially, no such designation exists; so officially, according to the federal Office of Management and Budget, I can tell you to check for polyps while you’re down there.

And finally:

Central City

In each metropolitan statistical area and consolidated metropolitan statistical area, the largest place and, in some cases, additional places are designated as "central cities" under the official standards. A few primary metropolitan statistical areas do not have central cities. The largest central city and, in some cases, up to two additional central cities, are included in the title of the metropolitan area (MA); there also are central cities that are not included in an MA title. An MA central city does not include any part of that place that extends outside the MA boundary.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, even though Baltimore is larger than Washington, Baltimore cannot consider Washington to be its suburb. This is fine. Baltimore would never be so smug, self-important or arrogant as to make such an obnoxious claim. Of course, not all Central Cities in this no longer federally recognized Consolidated Metropolitan Statistical Area view the world in the same way as Baltimore.

Pity. But we do have a chip on our shoulders. I guess we all have our flaws.