It Looks Like They Finally Got Something Right... Kinda
Like, OMG! It looks like DCist finally got something right. Sisqo and Dru Hill, which DCist refers to as “rappers,” (aw), among other Hip Hop personalities from yesteryear were in D.C. for some benefit or something to raise awareness about royalties... or something. Whatever. But here is the shocker, DCist acknowledged that these acts were in from out of town and didn’t pretend that they were from their area or some other bullshit.
Um, well, no, actually she wasn’t. Never mind that being bred, born or raised in Baltimore is no more contextually relevant to a D.C. media outlet than being bred, born or raised in Seattle or Timbuktu, what is it about about Baltimore that causes Washingtonians to turn off their internal fact-checkers? Why is it that they are lazier about Baltimorean facts than they are either with their own market or markets with which they don’t presume to have an association?
Trust me, I’m no classical music expert. I’ve never heard of Hilary Hahn. But I do know how to read the first words in a biographical sketch. So when I looked up her bio, all of her bios, in fact, in every available online media source, from her personal web page to wikipedia, I was actually a little surprised to see that they all started with these words: “Hilary Hahn (born November 27, 1979 in Lexington, Virginia) is an American violinist,” or some other introductory equivalent. She didn’t move to Baltimore until she was three years old. Three years is a long time. Three years is probably longer than the time the average DCist contributor has spent in Washington D.C.
I have no doubt that if Charles Downey had been writing about someone from Washington, he would have double checked before saying he or she was Washington born. If such-and-such was from Pittsburgh, and for some reason Charles Downey felt the need to mention that, I’m sure he would have double checked as well. But, for whatever reason, when the word ‘Baltimore’ pops into the head of a Washingtonian, something clicks in their brains that tells them they already know everything, and that fact checking is unnecessary.
And to be fair, it isn’t just DCist. Even the Washington Post fucks up all the facts when writing an article that has something/anything to do with Baltimore, and the Washington Post is probably the newspaper in this world that is least likely to bugger up facts, in their own market and the national and international markets as well. It’s as though they have two separate fact checking departments, local and not-local. When an article about Baltimore is being written, nobody can decide which department is responsible and nobody ends up checking that facts. Of course, I’m sure that isn’t the cause, and it’s just a simple matter of people thinking they know what they are talking about when they in fact don’t know shit.
Not knowing shit is not the end of the world. I personally don’t know shit about a great many things in this world; but not knowing shit and thinking you know everything is a pretty revolting and obnoxious character trait, which probably is what makes is it so distinctly Washingtonian... at least in relation to its neighbor to the north. So Washington, do yourselves a favor, when you write about us just check your facts. Pretend we’re Portland. Trust me, you know as much about Portland as you know about us.
Have you ever heard of English Muffins? NOT ENGLISH. Same sort of deal.
It’s funny how the restaurants marketing this Marylandless Maryland fried chicken are all just a metro ride away from D.C., as though they are selling their product to Washingtonians and inside-the-beltway “Marylanders” who think they are eating authentic Maryland cuisine.
So, how long will it be before DCist writes a post talking about how much they love Maryland Cookies? There’s no such thing as those either, by the way.
Are you even writing DCist from America? Because I’m finding it difficult to believe that you’re writing it from land that we gave you.
Sommer Mathis, in classic Sommer Mathis fashion, has cryptically linked to a thread that she found pleasantly amusing by being insulting towards Baltimore.
“Huh,” I thought to myself. Why the eff is she linking to this? So I followed. What it lead to was a convoluted joke argument explaining, how, as the final episode of St. Elsewhere it is revealed that the entire series was the dream of an autistic child, every show that has some link, via fictional universe crossovers, also does not exist. As Homicide has a direct link, and was based on the experiences of David Simon, he too does not exist. Reality as we know it, is fiction, etc., etc...
What, you ask, is the purpose of all this? Ah, yes, the final punchline. Wait for it...
HAR. Good one. Very clever. For better or for worse, we live in a reality that is not effected by fictitious paradoxes. We all live in the real world, where, for better or for worse, Baltimore is a very real place, and WASHINGTON D.C. IS THE FAKE IMAGINARY CITY THAT DOESN’T REALLY EXIST. But I can completely understand why you Washingtonians would prefer an alternate reality where Baltimore doesn’t exist, where the city you call home isn’t make believe, and where Washington actually has a cultural relevance outside the context of federal government.
In this alternate reality, there are only 3 global cities: Washington D.C., Canberra and Brasilia, and Star Trek is evil and all the actors have goatees.
Washington should totally create a website devoted to this alternate reality. It would be a blog version of Second Life. Oh wait. It already exists. It’s called DCist. Let's see - pretending that Baltimore is culturally irrelevant. Check. Pretending that Washington D.C. is culturally relevant and not just some place where politicians park their penises in whores in hotels, or in the asses of constitutants in real states. Check.
Oh. Wait a second. I just remembered. David Simon isn’t from Baltimore. He was born in Washington D.C. Maybe they’re right. Maybe he really is fake. His birth would certainly support the thesis. After all, how can a real person be born in a fake city? It isn’t possible. Do Washingtonians dream of electric sheep?
Last week, DCist blasted some serious gas in the elevator.
So here is the context. Tamil/Brit international superstar M.I.A., for at least the past year or so, has been gravitating closer and closer towards Baltimore club music and has incorporated B-more beats into many of the tracks for her second studio album, Kala, named after her mother. These tracks, often originally produced with Diplo, who himself has been gravitating towards Baltimore club for an even longer time, have been remixed recently by Baltimorean B-more club producer, Blaqstarr, to give them an even heavier B-more club sound, adding rhymes from 16 year old Baltimorean B-more club/rap lady wunderkind, Rye Rye.
M.I.A., Blaqstarr, Rye Rye and God only knows how many other Baltimoreans join together for an international tour in support of the album. M.I.A., in city after city, following proper etiquette when riding bareback on Baltimore beats and sharing the stage with a bunch of Baltimorean artists, gives shoutouts to Baltimore, throughout the tour.
In city after city, why M.I.A. is giving shoutouts to Baltimore is not lost on the audience, as just about everyone familiar with these genres enough to be a M.I.A. fan know exactly what Baltimore club is and what it sounds like. After all, Baltimore club is the latest musical tsunami taking over the dance music scene, and has been for over a year now.
Unfortunately, nobody bothered to call DCist and give them the 411 on the 410 or M.I.A.’s recent work. Last week, the tour arrived to a sold out show at the 9:30 Club. DCist’s jazz critic, Sriram Gopal, reviewed the show:
”M.I.A. came on stage with guns blazing, opening with “Bamboo Banga” off her latest release, Kala, and then charged through a 90 minute set along with her D.J., backup singers, and other assorted guests, including a child, a "'90s baby" as M.I.A. called her, who had some serious moves... If there was a flaw in her stage presence, it was that at points she addressed the crowd as if she was playing in Baltimore, where she is playing tonight.”
DER!!!!
Sriram, I know that you’re a big O’s fan, and I don’t want to be too hard on you over this. Besides, you’re the jazz critic and this is not the genre of your expertise, but what in God’s name were you or DCist thinking when the decision was made that you were the one that was qualified to cover this show? Was it the Desi thing? That’s pretty weak. I can only hope that the majority of the audience was not as oblivious as to what was going on as you, but judging from the comments there were at least a few that were as lost there as you there. I can assure you, M.I.A. was not confused as to what city she was in. She was not giving Hello Wisconsin's to the audience, she was paying tribute to the music and the other artists. Believe me, she is more than a little familiar with Baltimore. Here is a M.I.A. quote from a Fact Magazine interview describing her efforts to bring Baltimore club to the children of Chennai:
”The only western music that the kids have to go on, that they try to replicate or imitate, what they think is cool, is like 10 years behind. They’re still living off jungle and stuff, and just about getting garage. So…when I was over there I started hanging out with them, and introduced them to Baltimore club and other stuff.”
Here is an even more interesting quote from the same interview where M.I.A. explains how many of the tracks from Kala were inspired by Baltimore and her time spent in Baltimore:
“But other tracks, like ‘Paper Planes’ is totally me being in Baltimore and working with Blaqstarr - it’s inspired by being in Baltimore, and everyone being on the grind, on the hustle.”
The entire world knows what is going on here. D.C. is the only place in the world where there is a presumption that you are supposed to ignore Baltimore. M.I.A. isn’t from D.C. She doesn’t suffer from the same affliction. The rest of the world does not turn their noses up at the mention of the city of Baltimore. Here is a video of Rye Rye dancing in New York. If you listen very carefully, you might hear a subtle reference or two to Baltimore. If you’ll notice, the audience doesn’t seem to be disgusted by the mention of the city:
This explains why all art out of Baltimore, whether it is Baltimore club, or Wham City, or Dan Deacon, or literature, or film or whatever will be categorically ignored by the Washington media until either the New York Times or the Village Voice comes out and says it is okay to pay attention to something/anything from Baltimore, at which point D.C. will say “Oh yeah, that’s our back yard. That’s OUR thing.” No it isn’t. It’s a Baltimore thing, and the two obviously have nothing to do with one another. And this is why it is not okay for DCist to claim Baltimore as being under their purview. I don't care how geographically close we are.
Not That Anybody Really Cares About Classical Music Agendas or Anything...
I typically give Charles Downey all the latitude he needs when he chooses to cover the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, due to that whole BSO @ Strathmore thingy in Bethesda/Rockville/White Flint/Whatever.
Unfortunately, he made mistake in terminology this weekend. Generally, when people want to pretend that Baltimore and Washington share a market, the correct terminology is “Baltimore-Washington Area.” Some wikipedia geek did the research and this was the results:
Yet, DCist predictably makes the mistake of referring to the pretend shared market as "Washington-Baltimore."
Are Washington’s insecurities so overwhelming that they really have to make up names to make them feel better about themselves? Does pretending Washington comes before Baltimore in the name for the imaginary market put Baltimoreans in their place or something?
Also, if DCist is covering classical music for both Baltimore and Washington, why isn’t DCist covering Baltimore sports? Why isn’t Baltimore art being covered? Why isn’t baltimore food being covered? Why isn’t Baltimore’s other music genres being covered? In those instances when DCist does touch on these issues, why are they treated as the happenings of a far off exurb to a lesser, younger, smaller city? Why aren’t Baltimoreans writing these posts? And for that matter, why is the name “DCist” used when it is wrong for covering both markets, even if and when someone wants to pretend that the two markets are one?
You see, this is exactly what those assholes shouldn't be allowed to vote.
How is it, after a founding contributor explicitly stated that it is contrary to DCist policy to treat Baltimore as being under your local purview, that today you feel justified to include a photograph of a Baltimorean landmark, in a neighborhood that it is unlikely that you’ve ever heard of, in a feature that is ostensibly supposed to be about Washington D.C.?
Is it that you’ve decided to change your policy? Are Baltimorean professional sports teams now going to receive equal coverage to your own sports teams? Or any coverage at all? Or are you too good to cover the sports teams supported by our common, working class ilk?
Oh look, and you’re covering Bengie’s now too. In the very next post, even. How adorable. It's funny how these Baltimorean posts always come in clusters with you. But I guess this is no longer an issue, as obviously you are effectively declaring that a minimum of at least 33% of your material is guaranteed to be centric to the Baltimorean metropolitan area. That's right, a minimum of 33% of Baltimorean local music... 33% of Baltimorean local dining... 33% of Baltimorean local everything else... except sports, of course. You're going to give us 50% of that. After all, anything less would be exploitive, wouldn't it? But I don't need to explain that to you anymore. Obviously, we're all one big happy family now, right?
When do you plan to make the big announcement that you are changing your name to BaltimoreandDCist.com? When are you going to introduce your Baltimorean editorial staff? Wow. It is a big day for the GothamistLLC, isn’t it? Two separate cities are going to receive equal editorial standing on a single Ist page. What a bold and clumsy experiment it will be.
Thanks for the tips, people. I will, at times, miss a few of these posts. Your help is appreciated.
If you would like to be my CI and snitch on DCist’s sorry ass, be you a DCist hater or just an appreciator of train wreck spectacles, feel free to email me at:
