In the Eye of the Beholder

Apparently, Washington D.C. is spending a paltry 150 G’s on research for a rebranding slogan. That sounds pretty half assed to me, as any real city would have squandered a half a million on such an effort. Regardless, Sommer Mathis has written a post on DCist making light of this, requesting commenters to offer their own slogans for Washington and was kind enough to offer a few suggestions of her own. Of course, one of her suggestions was this:

Washington, D.C.: Better than Baltimore

Good one, Sommer! Bleh. I could use this opportunity to point out that comparisons are always problematic. One could point out that D.C. is richer than Baltimore, safer than Baltimore, and has a wonderful federally subsidized museum network . But then again, someone else could point out that Baltimore is actually a real city that built its own industries, built its own economy, by its own indigenous population, has an actual soul and doesn’t owe its existence or its own present economy entirely to the American people’s tax tit... all the while looking down its contemptuous nose at the Great American Nipple.

“Better,” of course, is a relative notion, and always open to debate.

For instance, I could offer, completely free of charge, a new rebranding slogan promoting Sommer Mathis’ physical attractiveness:

Sommer Mathis: More Attractive than a Bat

Although I do honestly believe that she is more attractive than a flying rodent, I’m willing to concede that this is unquestionably a debatable issue, and might not be an opinion shared by everybody. If others disagree with my opinion, who am I to tell them that they’re wrong?

But I really shouldn’t go there. There’s no reason to be petty. She’s certainly entitled to her opinion, and I prefer open contempt to backhanded faux-inclusive contempt anyway. It’s better than them presuming to be an authority over us, at least.

So, Are You A Baltimorean, Frank?

Blah, blah, blah. DCist posted a photograph of Annapolis as their picture of the day. Blah, blah, blah...

I have no problem with DCist covering Annapolis. As I’ve said before, some latitude needs to be given for central and south Howard and Anne Arundel Counties, as such a huge percentage of the people who live in those areas commute and have strong cultural ties to D.C., regardless of whichever major metropolitan area Annapolis is technically considered to be a suburb. I think the map on the top right corner of this page makes this abundantly clear. I have absolutely no intention of using this page to bicker over our shared suburbs. If DCist has anything remotely resembling an argument of authority, than I’ll leave them well enough alone. As far as I'm concerned, anything south of MD 100, from Clarksville to Annapolis, is fair game. But...

Somebody in the comment section felt Annapolis was too far from D.C. to be included at the DCist photo of the day. This caused the photographer, Frank (or “The Skipping Hippy”) to chime in with this little pearl:

So are you saying only photos taken within the District should appear on the DCist web site? That sounds a bit narrow minded. Annapolis is not far from Washington and I'm sure there are DCist readers who live there. I think it was you who also got upset when I submitted a photo taken in Baltimore. Remember, there isn't a Baltimorist or Annapolisist. I think DCist is not just for the people who live in the city, but for everyone who lives in the greater Washington and Baltimore region.

Oh, Frank, you just got on my bad side. Where are you from, Frank? Are you from Baltimore, Frank? You’re the guy who took a photo of the Senator and added it to the Washington DC/Metro Area Flickr Pool, and then didn’t even bother to add it to the Baltimore Flickr Pool. Last time I checked, such a pool existed. In fact, last time I checked, there were over 650 members of that pool. You did the same thing to MICA's Brown Center in Bolton Hill. You had the audacity to do the same thing to Baltimore's Washington Monument, even. Something tells me you’re not one of us, Frank. And yet, you seem to posses a presumption of authority over what is and what is not acceptable in regards as to how Baltimore is covered and by whom. You’re not even willing to acknowledge that there is such a thing as a Baltimore area. Never mind that we have two separate economies. Never mind that we have two separate cultures. Never mind that we have two separate media markets. Never mind that nobody in D.C. has the first clue about anything Baltimorean. As far as you’re concerned, we’re part of D.C.’s market.

I have a question for you, Frank. If Baltimore is part of D.C.’s market, why aren’t there any Baltimorean contributors on the pages of DCist? Is it such a simple subject that familiarity isn’t necessary? I’ve seen Californians writing about Baltimore on DCist. I’ve seen Midwesterners writing about Baltimore on DCist. I’ve seen Virginians informing the D.C. media market that Hampden is “near” Baltimore on the pages of DCist, but I have not seen one Baltimorean resident contribute one entry to DCist. The closest they’ve come is a former Illinois resident who studied in Baltimore for 4 years nearly 6 years ago, on a campus that does everything in its power to isolate its students from the Baltimorean populous.

Now, if no Baltimoreans have expressed interest in contributing to DCist, I think that is rather telling in itself. If Baltimoreans have expressed interest, and have been rejected, I think that would be rather telling as well. Wouldn’t you agree, Frank? I'm not saying that DCist should include Baltimore, mind you. I'm just saying that there are a lot of tells that show exactly how inclusive DCist intends to be towards Baltimore.

I’m curious, has anyone at DCist ever considered consulting anyone in Baltimore as to how, or even if it is appropriate, to include their city on DCist? Or does that not matter? That’s a decision best left to Californians, and Midwesterners, and New Englanders, and Southerners, and New Yorkers, and whoever else from wherever else that is contributing to DCist and making those decisions with absolutely no input from Baltimoreans.

I think there is only one correct universal understanding about Baltimoreans in this county, and that is that we walk around with the biggest chip on our shoulders in America. And guess what, Frank. DCist has flicked that chip. And if some transplant Washingtonian who has lived there for only 2, 4, 5 years doesn’t even know about that chip, then they definitely have no business writing about this city on their page.

So, Frank, you think Baltimore should be covered on DCist. Well, here are the conditions that would make it acceptable.

First, foremost, and unconditionally, the name would have to be changed. There would be no more “DCist.” The new name would have to be either DC-Baltimorest or Baltimore-Washingtonist. Forgive me for using the F word so generously in the next sentence, but I need to express how passionately this city feels on this matter. We do not play second fucking fiddle to your fucking city under any fucking conditions. Being treated as a peripheral under a presumption of authority from your city is unacceptable.

Now, if the webpage formally known as DCist agrees to the first condition, we can move on to the second. As no Washingtonian has an adequate understanding of the culture of Baltimore’s market, and no Baltimorean as an adequate understanding of the culture of Washington’s market, two separate editorial staffs would have to be maintained.

And then there is the third and final condition. To insure that neither market and editorial staff becomes subservient to the other, a primacy of editiorialship would have to be rotated on a weekly, monthly or biannual basis.

Boy, that seems awfully complicated for an Ist, wouldn’t you agree, Frank? It hardly seems worth the trouble. Perhaps DCist would be better off being respectful and not behaving as though they have some authority over us, when they’re all from somewhere else and have no understanding of us anyway. It almost seems unfair that no other Ist has to deal with all of this; but then again, no other Ist is in this geographic and cultural situation. Our predicament is a singular one, isn’t it, Frank?

So you know how to get in a car, drive up to Baltimore, take a picture and attach it to a Washington DC/Metro Area Flickr Pool and attach the DCist tag to it. Well, yippee skippy Skippy Hippy. You have an opinion? Well, so do I. I also have an asshole. Do you? Call me crazy for thinking a Baltimorean’s opinion is more relevant on the subject of the coverage of Baltimore, or considering a Baltimorean’s opinion at least worth considering...

not that it ever has been.

Hu-ha!

Since I feel a little sick to my stomach for being Mr. Niceguy in the last post, I wanted to take a moment to point my finger and laugh my balls/tits/whatever off at decidedly WASPey DCist and her 40% WASPey host city for this quote from a post commemorating Pulaski Day:

Most Washingtonians might only associate Pulaski with Sufjan Steven's tale of a dying childhood friend...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

It’s like the opposite of a Polak joke. Any anal stick-up-its-butt city that lacks a vibrant Polish community will... well... be prone to make a statement like that.

Is there REALLY any question as to whether or not our two cities have absolutely nothing to do with one another?

Common Ground

Believe it or not, I am, for once writing a post not to unload a pile of shitty on DCist’s presumptuous, inaccurate and oftentimes snotty coverage of material outside their sphere of influence and within ours. In fact, I’m writing this post to do the exact opposite; to sincerely and unsarcastically commend a DCist contributor for successfully navigating the dangerous waters of reporting material pertaining to our geography in a manner that is actually relevant to Washingtonians, accurately, respectfully, and not being a total douche in the process. If all such material was treated this delicately and tactfully on DCist, I would never have felt the need to launch this page in the first place.

Amanda Mattos, who I think is DCist’s music editor or something, wrote a post today about attending a touring show of what she considered a must-see artist who passed over D.C. to play in Baltimore instead, and addressed the frustrations associated.

Again, for reinforcement, I am not being sarcastic this one time. For once, the other shoe is not going to drop. As it turns out, I’m only an ass 95% of the time.

The artist in question, for me at least, is completely immaterial. I stopped following the newest, hippest, undergoundest artists a few years back. I suppose the most important reason that I stopped following the music was because I outgrew following the music; but another significant reason was because the vast majority of the sets I wanted to catch opted to pass over my market and played D.C. instead. That would have been all, good, and understandable if these touring shows were not playing markets of only two and a half million people, but this was never the case. It was frustrating to watch the dates of these bands playing one one million population market after another and then choose to play either Baltimore or Washington before moving on to the next market. As D.C. has approx. 5.5 mil. to our approx. 2.5 mil., it doesn’t take a genius to figure out which market these artists generally chose when they pretended that we were one market. It also would have been fine if we were actually a single market, but we’re not, and that drive is just too much of a nightmare at one/two/three in the morning to bother with. Add more than one beer to the equation, and that drive goes from being nightmarish and miserable to being more nightmarish, more miserable, and irresponsible and illegal to boot.

Consequently, for either a reasonable Washingtonian or a Baltimorean, for an artist to be worth the trouble, they damn well better be the best God-damned show of the year. Unfortunately, the reality is that the vast majority of even good shows don’t pass that mustard for either one of us.

So artists, please, even if you’re good and we want to see you, you’re probably not that great to make it worth the trouble. Baltimoreans hate the drive and having the D.C. locals sneer down their noses at us for not wearing the new black, whatever that black happens to be this season. Washingtonians hate the drive and watching Baltimoreans grooming one anothers’ fur for bugs to eat. Even if you want to disregard our respective feelings, consider the fact that we’re actually two separate large markets, especially after midnight, and we’ll probably not going unless you play for both of us. On this, I think Baltimore and D.C. can agree.